Farewell.

My mother died on December 14, 2015. I was 17 years old and in my freshman year in college. Months after she passed away, I caught myself in deep emotional state. I did not know it was depression until recently. If I had known, I would have gone to a psychologist and asked for help.

The thing is the issue on mental health is still a taboo in the Philippines, hampering struggling people from seeking medical treatment and keeping the people fight the demons by themselves.

But others have a way of fighting. As for me, things that kept me sane that time were the constant cries at nights and essays I wrote about my experiences. One of them is a letter I am now sharing to all of you. This was written for my mother, and as my vision of graduating from college and from the agony.

Written on June 19, 2017.

This one’s for you, mama.

I could still remember the night before you died. We were talking about our dreams. Your laugh, your sweet smile, how it brought me joy to see you happy. Until now, I still feel like everything just happened.

But things changed the morning after that. I caught your eyes just as yours to mine... how your body fell around my arms, how you were catching your breath... how those words were hardly uttered out of your mouth saying that you love me. And that moment, I found myself shouting for help, begging for a miracle... and feeling the emptiness that I still feel.

Today as I graduate from college, I want to let go of the things that still keep me drowning, ma. The agony, the longing, and the regrets. As much as I don't want you to leave, there's no way I can stare at your beautiful smile, the happiness I brought to you, just as I did the night before everything happened. There's no way you will wake me up just as you did that morning, that there's no way of you going back.

I love you mama but I need to let you go.

Farewell.